The Art of Saying No-How to Build Healthy Boundaries

When you live and work abroad, your life can sometimes feel like juggling flaming torches while walking a tightrope. At work, tasks pile up faster than emails in an inbox, and at home, responsibilities wait like an endless to-do list. Weekends, meant for rest, often become a series of social obligations: dinners with acquaintances, calls to distant family, and favours for colleagues. Slowly but surely, your energy depletes, and burnout starts looming on the horizon.

To avoid this slippery slope, it’s essential to master the art of saying no and setting healthy boundaries—an art that requires both self-awareness and courage.

The Roots of Boundary Struggles

Why do so many of us find it hard to prioritize our own needs? For expats, the challenge often stems from cultural adaptation. In trying to fit in or build connections in a foreign land, you may find yourself saying yes too often—whether it’s agreeing to after-work drinks you don’t have energy for or taking on extra responsibilities to “prove your value.”

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Yet, this consent is often given unwittingly when we neglect our own needs in the name of politeness or pressure.

The inability to set boundaries often has deeper roots, shaped in childhood or early career environments where saying NO wasn’t an option.

If this resonates, don’t worry—change is possible. But, like any skill, assertiveness requires deliberate practice.

Step 1: Observe and Understand

The first step in building boundaries is self-awareness. Reflect on your experiences:

When do you feel most drained?

Who are the people or situations that consistently cross your boundaries?

How do these interactions make you feel?

Imagine your energy as a garden. When others step into your space uninvited, they trample your flowers. Observing your emotional patterns is like mapping the areas of your garden that need a fence.

Step 2: Small but Firm Steps

Change doesn’t happen overnight. Begin with small, manageable acts of assertiveness:
1. Prioritize Yourself:Plan one activity each week that recharges you—a quiet walk, a book, or even a solo coffee outing. Treat it as a sacred appointment.
2. Practice Saying No:If someone requests your time, and it disrupts your plan, respond with confidence. For example:
“I’d love to help, but I’ve already committed to something else.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll need to pass this time.”
No lengthy explanations or apologies—just a firm, polite decline.
Step 3: Redefine Your MindsetYour brain is like a field where habits grow. Each time you choose to respect your own boundaries, you plant seeds of self-respect. Over time, these seeds will grow into stronger neural pathways, making assertiveness a natural response.
As Steve Jobs famously noted:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.”

In practical terms, this means turning down what doesn’t align with your priorities.Consider an expat professional who feels obligated to attend every networking event. What if, instead, they chose to spend that time learning the local language—a skill that genuinely enriches their life?

A Story of Change

One of my clients, let’s name her Anna, a 35-year-old expat working in a multinational firm. When Anna moved to Brussels, she felt immense pressure to prove herself at work while also building a social circle. She said yes to everything: mentoring colleagues, late-night calls with family, and weekend outings. Over time, Anna felt exhausted and resentful.
One day, she decided to prioritize herself. She started with small changes: setting non-negotiable work hours and blocking one weekend evening for self-care. When her boss assigned extra tasks, she responded with, “I’d love to help, but I need to focus on finishing the current project first. Could we revisit this next week?”
At first, saying no felt uncomfortable, but the results were profound. Anna’s productivity improved, her energy returned, and her personal relationships deepened because she could show up fully.

Assertiveness Tools for Everyday Life

Here are a few techniques to strengthen your assertiveness:
1. The Broken Record: Repeat your stance calmly, regardless of pressure.

Example: “I appreciate your input, but I’ve made my decision.”

2. Fogging: Acknowledge criticism without taking it to heart.
Example: “I see your point, but this works best for me.”
3. Positive Assertion: Express your needs clearly and kindly.
Example: “I’d prefer if we could schedule this for tomorrow so I can give it my full attention.” 

Start small, stay consistent

Building boundaries isn’t about shutting others out—it’s about creating space for yourself to thrive. Think of it like setting up a dam in a river; it doesn’t stop the flow but channels it into something purposeful and sustainable.

As an expat professional, your time and energy are precious. By learning to say no and choosing yourself, you’ll not only safeguard your well-being but also enrich the relationships and responsibilities that truly matter.

Start small, stay consistent, and remember: boundaries are not barriers—they’re bridges to a healthier, more fulfilling life.