How To Change Your Life by Changing Your Questions

Our lives are shaped mainly by the way we think. How we approach situations, challenges, and even opportunities influences the outcomes we experience. One can say: “I have no influence on my life or very little, and my way of thinking has nothing to do with what happens to me.”

Meanwhile, Dr. Marilee Adams, author of the great book “Change Your Questions, Change Your Life,” proves that how we think fundamentally impacts our personal and professional lives. Moreover, she shows in very concrete steps how to shift from a limiting mindset to a more empowering one, leading to profound personal and professional changes.

The Choice Map: Consciousness is a key

Marilee Adams draws the Choice Map, differentiating our thoughts into two distinct paths: the Judger path and the Learner path. These represent two ways we handle situations in life.

The Judger path is driven by negative reactions, blame, and limited thinking, while the Learner path encourages openness, growth, and working together. By consciously choosing the Learner path over the Judger path, we can change how we deal with life situations and the results we achieve.

The Choice Map by Marilee Adams

What’s the Judger Path?

The Judger path manifests in automatic, reactive thinking that focuses on blame, criticism, and a scarcity mindset. When you’re on the Judger path, your thoughts and questions tend to be disempowering, such as:

• Why is this happening to me?
• Who is to blame?
• What’s wrong with me/them?

These questions come from a fixed mindset, where problems seem impossible, and people (including ourselves) are judged harshly. In this space, we focus on limitations rather than possibilities, and our thoughts reinforce a negative view of the world and our place in it. When we choose the Judger path, we can expect conflict, frustration, and stagnation because they narrow our thinking and block creative problem-solving.

What’s The Learner Path?

On the other hand, the Learner path is driven by curiosity, open-mindedness, and a desire for growth. When you’re on the Learner path, your questions shift to focus on possibilities and solutions, such as:

• How can I make the most of this experience?
• What’s a different way of looking at this?
• What’s the first step I can take to move forward?

The Learner approach is open to connection, exploration and innovation. When we decide to go with a growth mindset, we are eager to learn and adapt to the changing situation. By shifting to this way of thinking, we become more resilient and resourceful. We perceive challenges as opportunities to grow instead of obstacles and threats. As a result, we are more likely to experience positive outcomes in our personal and professional lives.

How to Shift from the Judger to the Learner Path

The good news is that while we all have Judger tendencies, we can consciously shift to the Learner path when we recognise we’re stuck in Judger mode. Marilee Adams outlines a simple but powerful tool called the Choice Map that visually represents these two paths, helps us notice when we’re on the Judger path and allows us to switch to the Learner path.

The Choice Map by Marilee Adams

Here’s how you can use the Choice Map in everyday life

Notice and Recognise Your Judger Mode:

Awareness is the first step (START). Pay attention to your thoughts and emotions in difficult situations (a conflict at work or an argument at home?). Are you blaming yourself or others? Are you stuck in negative, unproductive thinking? Recognising that you’re on the Judger path is critical to changing your approach.

Pause and Breathe

When you realise you’re in Judger mode, pause. Take a deep breath and give yourself space to reflect before reacting. This is the moment of choice in which you can decide to shift your thinking.

Ask Yourself Learner Questions

Replace Judger questions with Learner questions. Instead of asking: “Who’s at fault?” ask: “What can I learn from this?” Instead of focusing on limitations, ask: “What are the possibilities here?” These questions open your mind and help you shift to a more positive and proactive approach. They also allow you to grow a sense of responsibility in life. And responsibility leads to a greater sense of agency and confidence.

Take Action from the Learner Mindset

Once you’ve decided to follow the Learner path, take actions that reflect that mindset. Step by step, learn how to seek solutions collaboratively (building better relationships), explore new approaches, or reframe setbacks as learning opportunities. The more you practice shifting from Judger to Learner, the more naturally it will become your default way of thinking.

Real-Life Application: How Changing Your Approach Can Change Your Life

Let’s consider a real-life example. Imagine you’re dealing with a conflict with a coworker. If you’re on the Judger path, you might ask yourself: “Why do they always act like this?” or “Why can’t they just understand my point of view?” This thinking creates stress and can lead to arguments or defensive reactions.

Now, imagine shifting to the Learner path. Instead of reacting, you pause and ask yourself: “What might be happening with my coworker that I don’t understand? How can I communicate more effectively to resolve this?” By approaching the situation with curiosity rather than judgment, you create a space for productive dialogue, understanding, and resolution. The shift in mindset not only defuses the conflict but also strengthens your working relationship and increases your emotional intelligence.

In personal life, the same principles apply. If you feel stuck in your career or personal situation (e.g. procrastination), the Judger path might lead you to think: “Why is nothing working for me?” or “What’s wrong with me?” These limiting thoughts keep you trapped in a cycle of frustration. But shifting to the Learner path opens up new avenues: “What can I do differently? What strengths can I build on? Who can help me achieve this?” This mindset shift fosters resilience and inspires action, enabling you to move forward with purpose.

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” Epictetus

Conclusion: Small Shifts, Big Changes

The Choice Map is a powerful tool for transforming your life by changing your approach. Shifting from the Judger to the Learner path will help you to build a growth mindset, enhance your problem-solving abilities, and deepen relationships, whether at work or in your personal life. While it’s normal to fall into Judger mode occasionally, the ability to notice, pause, and shift to the Learner path is the key to unlocking new possibilities.

As Marilee Adams emphasises, by changing our questions, we change our thinking. And by changing our thinking, we change our lives.

What path are you choosing today?